THOSE WERE THE DAYS
by Dean Fiora
Summary: Rupert Morlock, the founder and president of the Faux News Network, commissions a machine that brings Archie Bunker into the real world of the early 21st century. Morlock's plan is to give Archie his own nightly talk show. Things go awry when Archie, despite his many faults, turns out to be too decent for the network's purposes. (Not yet completed.)


**THOSE WERE THE DAYS**

A _Twilight Zone _parody

by Dean Fiora

_We begin with the familiar TWILIGHT ZONE theme music._

ROD SERLING: You're traveling through another dimension—a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. That's the signpost up ahead. Your next stop: the Twilight Zone!

_We are now in the living room of the Bunkers and the Stivics at 704 Houser Street in Astoria, Queens. Archie and his son-in-law Mike, A/K/A "Meathead," are having an argument._

ARCHIE: And I'm telling _**you**_: if God wanted women to have abortions, he wouldn't-a gave us coat hangers!

MIKE _(incredulously): _You can't possibly believe that, Archie! Even _**you**_ couldn't be that stupid!

ARCHIE: Wanna bet?

GLORIA: What about _Roe v__s__. Wade_, daddy?

ARCHIE: Well, that depends on how deep the water is. But that don't have nothin' to do with what we're talkin' about. _(To his wife)_ Edith, what do _**you**_ think about ending a pregnancy?

EDITH: I was glad when mine ended. Nothing personal, Gloria, carrying you for nine months was enough.

_(Mike and Gloria laugh)_

ARCHIE: Ahh, the hell with youse people! I'm goin' to Kelsy's.

ROD SERLING: The year is 1974. The place: Astoria, Queens. This is Archie Bunker, aged 50.

ARCHIE: I'm 49.

ROD SERLING: Excuse me?

ARCHIE: I ain't 50, ya joik ya. I'm 49!

ROD SERLING: Please, you're interrupting my narrative.

ARCHIE: I don't give a damn about your narrative! I ain't doin' the show if I have to be 50.

ROD SERLING: All right, all right. _(Clears his throat)_ This is Archie Bunker, aged 49. Happy now?

ARCHIE: Beauty-ful!

ROD SERLING: Currently, he's walking to his favorite watering hole, Kelsy's Bar. However, Archie is about to take a detour that will lead him directly into...the Twilight Zone.

ARCHIE: Can I get that beer foist?

ROD SERLING: Shut up!

_We are now in a basement laboratory, present day. A scientist in a white lab coat is showing off a phone booth-like machine attached to a computer to Rupert Morlock, an elderly fat man in a business suit._

SCIENTIST: Well, sir, we finally did it.

MORLOCK: Excellent! I've been waiting for this moment for 25 years. You're sure you can do it?

SCIENTIST: There's no guarantee, but in theory, we should be able to produce your man.

MORLOCK _(reflectively)_: I loved his show from Day One. He's the reason I became a conservative commentator and started my own network. And now, I get to meet him in the flesh. My god!

SCIENTIST: Any time you're ready, Mr. Morlock.

MORLOCK: All right, let's do it.

SCIENTIST _(sits down at the computer and clacks away at the keyboard. The "phone booth" lights up.)_

_Back at Kelsy's, Archie sits on a stool next to his friend, Barney Hefner. Kelsy tends bar._

ARCHIE: I'm tellin' youse, Barney, this whole woild is goin' straight to hell.

BARNEY: You're tellin' me, Arch! The other day, I tried to get into Ferguson's Market but couldn't. Buncha hippies were protestin' for farm workers' rights out in California. Like that's my problem! If those farm workers want better pay, let 'em join a union, like we done.

KELSY: Barn? I think they _**are**_tryin' to join a union, but the farm owners are tryin' to stop 'em.

ARCHIE: Aw geez, Kelsy! Ya gotta take the Meathead's place when he ain't here?

KELSY: Sorry, Arch. I was just tellin' what I heard on the news.

ARCHIE: Who from? That pinko Conkrite?

_(Archie begins to vibrate)_

BARNEY: Hey, Arch. What the hell's wrong with you?

_(Archie becomes transparent)_

KELSY: Holy cow, Arch! You're transparent.

ARCHIE: Yeah, that's what the Meathead calls me. Why am I havin' trouble seein' youse guys? What the hell is goin'…? _(He disappears)_

KELSY: Where'd he go?

BARNEY: He disappeared off his stool!

KELSY: Geez! He could've at least paid his tab.

_In the laboratory, Archie appears in the phone booth. The scientist grins triumphantly and Morlock is visually excited._

ARCHIE _(looking around)_: Where the hell am I?

MORLOCK: Mr. Bunker! What a pleasure it is to meet you! _(Offers his hand)_

ARCHIE _(exits the booth, shakes Morlock's hand): _Who are you?

MORLOCK: I'm Rupert Morlock, and I've been wanting to meet you for decades!

ARCHIE: Well, it's a nice to meet a poison of taste. How you doin' there, uh, Mr. Morecock?

MORLOCK: "Morlock."

ARCHIE: Whatever. You didn't answer my question, though: where the hell am I?

MORLOCK: You're in the Faux News building. This is my TV network.

ARCHIE: How did I get here?

MORLOCK: That's a long, complicated story.

ARCHIE: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't like those.

MORLOCK: Then you'll love my news network! We don't believe in confusing people and forcing them to think.

ARCHIE: Yeah, me neither. I hate it when I have to think! _(Suddenly remembering something) __Y_ou don't employ that pinko Conkrite, do ya?

MORLOCK: You mean, Walter Cronkite? Oh no! He died.

ARCHIE: He did? How the hell did I miss that? The _Daily News_ didn't cover it?


End file.
